I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
