Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
