I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
