When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
