I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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