we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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