wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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