Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
