He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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