I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
