and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
