You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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