I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
