no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
