Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize