So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
