apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize