i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
