i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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