My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
