We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
