There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
