Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
