Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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