im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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