Got a toothbrush?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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