Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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