Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
