ugly people sure do ruin things
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
