I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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