Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
