I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
