I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
