if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
