Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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