Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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