Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
