I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize