just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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