turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
