I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
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