I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If I die, sorry about rent.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize