somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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