So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
