I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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