Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize