Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
