He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
