90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
