According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
