the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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