remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize