I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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