I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
