He is an equal opportunity slut.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
