paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
